Magical Monday was about the messages I received via my Bubble Goddess spa experience on Sunday. One of the messages expressed in more than one way was, “Learn to say ‘no.’” This simple two-letter word that we all used so freely as two years old–and maybe again in our teens–seems to become more difficult to speak for many of us as adults. Learning to say it and learning when and how to use it can save a life–mine and yours!
For many women (and many men too) saying no makes us feel guilty. There can be a little voice in our head that tells us since the request seems reasonable we “should” be accommodating. The voice continues to speak of our selfishness if we do not say yes.
There is a huge difference between selfishness and self-care. Think about what we are instructed when we fly commercially. “Adults, put your oxygen mask on first, then help your child.” This is no aberration–this is symbolic of how we must care for ourselves throughout our lives. We must first listen to our own needs, address those needs, and then turn to the care and needs of others. If we do not replenish our own well, we’ll soon be drawing from a dry reservoir. And then we pull from the receptacle itself in order to try and squeeze something from it. Just like the dry well, when we have not replenished ourselves, we begin taking from our very existence. In time, this can lead us to health issues, disease, and even death.
In Inner Peace for Busy People, Joan Borysenko states, “‘No’ is a boundary that’s like an emotional immune system. Your physical immune system has one primary function that biologists refer to as distinguishing ‘self’ from ‘non-self.’ Its job is to keep out invaders such as bacteria, viruses, and parasites. The immune system maintains the integrity of the body so that it can work optimally. But sometimes it makes an error and mistakes self for non-self. This results in an auto-immune condition such as arthritis or multiple sclerosis in which the body destroys part of itself. That’s just what we do to ourselves emotionally when we can’t say no.”
I intended to post this blog yesterday, on Wednesday, but was just too exhausted last night to finish. I felt guilty because I’d not met my own internal deadline. Finally, my exhaustion won–I was able to hear my body begging for sleep so I “gave in” to the rest my body was crying out for. Interestingly enough, I awoke this morning to a very intense and vivid dream that was all about the consequences of not saying “no” to circumstances in my life. In my dream, I was in a new home that I clearly had not wanted. There were so many things wrong with this home but because I had gone along with my husband, I was now trying to reconcile myself to this house and to how to turn the imperfections into something I could live with. The power of this dream was incredible. Even as I journaled about my dream this morning, I found myself needing to take deep breaths and forcing myself to write about the thoughts and feelings I’d experienced during the dream.
What came to me as I journaled was that this dream was all about being able to say no and using my voice to express what is true for me and to state what I need for myself. In the dream, I was not expressing what I was feeling and thinking–I was having intense thoughts and emotions as I looked inside and outside at this house but I couldn’t bring myself to express those thoughts and feelings out loud. The dream was a perfect example of what goes on when I keep things to myself. In order to keep peace, harmony, and balance, I often deny my own needs. As in the dream, I sometimes feel confused, bewildered and unhappy because I’m not listening to or expressing myself. In my dream I could feel the crescendo of a SCREAM that wanted to come forth–the SCREAM of “I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE! I DON’T LIKE THIS PLACE–I ACTUALLY HATE IT! I DON’T WANT TO GIVE IN AND GIVE UP ANYMORE!”
I think the core lesson of this dream for me is that if I want to feel joyful, peaceful, balanced and grounded, I must give voice to my desires. I also must learn to pause–when someone asks something of me, I don’t have to immediately give an answer. Sometimes that someone may even be ME asking ME to do something that I think I should do in order to live up to my own expectations of myself (like trying to finish this post last night when I was clearly tired). I can pause and say, “Let me think about that.” Then, I can take whatever amount of time I need to decide if this is something I want to do–something I choose.
As Joan Borysenko states, “Some people say no too hastily. Others say yes too readily. If you feel that you’re out of balance in either direction, take your time before answering whenever you can. ‘Let me think about it’ is an option that can give you the time to reflect and make an authentic decision about the best course of action. In the long run, this strategy will give you peace and power, even if in the short run your response is not what the other person wants to hear.”
Namaste!
P. S. Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., will be at the “I Can Do It!” Conference November 19-22, 2009. If you’re interested in hearing her as well as so many other wonderful authors, click the link to the right!
