Have you ever thought about the impact of the words and phrases you say to yourself and/or to others? I’ve been thinking a lot about words lately because of the writing I’m doing for my book. And then yesterday, I saw a friend’s post about her impending divorce. One of the comments she made validated the timeliness of pondering this topic.
I can go way back to a time when I was in counseling and my therapist stopped me as I was describing the emotions I’d been expressing during the prior week. I told her I’d “broken down” that week at home and that I’d “fallen apart.” I’d had an “emotional outburst.” She pointed out that my use of these phrases was saying I’d done something wrong. I was judging my crying as a negative behavior. There was both shame and self-criticism in my description of myself. Until she pointed this out, I’d never stopped to think about the messages I was sending to myself about me!
Fast forward a few years later to the birth of my twins. One of my identical twin girls weighed more than her sister at birth and has remained taller until this very day. When my girls were babies (and even recently) people have made comments such as, “You were stealing all the food.” “You two aren’t identical, are you?” and “Oh, you’re the smaller one.” Beginning early on, my girls received messages from both friends and strangers that there was something wrong with the way they were. And at an early age, one of my daughters asked to have her hair cut differently so that there would be another way to differentiate herself from her sister. I do not believe that any of the people who made these statements was trying to hurt my girls. I believe they thought their comments and questions were either benign or at most, cute and funny. My girls however were greatly impacted by such insensitive remarks. To them, these statements and questions were anything but benign.
My own experience with breast cancer was another opportunity for assumptive statements such as, “Oh how lucky you were–you only had to have surgery (a mastectomy) and you didn’t have to undergo chemo or radiation.” “Oh, you just had to have surgery.” “Are you in remission?” “How long have you been in remission?” “How long ago was your battle/your ordeal/your fight?” “Well, hopefully it won’t come back again too soon.” “Oh, so-and-so is a cancer survivor too!” And then there’s my favorite pet peeves: “You’re going to do the walk, aren’t you?” “What are you doing for breast cancer awareness month?” All of these statements and questions contain judgments and assumptions about my experience and the labels I presume to attach to myself. For the record, I do not attach any of these labels–such as cancer survivor–to who I am. I am a woman who had an experience with breast cancer almost three years ago and today I am joyful and grateful to know that experience is now in my past. Today, I am a green health goddess–a bellisima goddess–a goddess of holistic wellness, vitality, and bellisima living.
Another woman I met recently shared her pain over the past year as she’s attempted to come to terms with her teenage son’s recently diagnosed epilepsy and impending blindness. One of the most difficult challenges during this past year has been allowing herself to grieve the loss of her son as she’s always known him. Yet, as she’s tried to give herself that permission, others have frequently made such statements as, “Well at least it’s not cancer!” Again, she knows these are well-meaning individuals; however, statements such as these swallow up the space she’s trying to give herself to work through the grieving process.
So that brings me to yesterday, when my friend posted on her blog about the transitioning out of her marriage (aka “divorce”). She wrote that someone asked her about her “failed marriage.” Again, this is a question filled with much judgment and presumption. Who can presume or judge that anyone has failed at anything? And where does this leave my friend who is herself grieving the loss of life as she knew it? Where is the space in that question for what she is feeling right now?
And where does all this leave me as I ponder the use of words and phrases? I guess it comes down to asking myself to pause before making a comment or asking a question. I don’t expect that I have to censor my every word, but I do expect that I pause for a brief moment to see how what I’m about to say is sitting in my gut–to pay attention to my intuition and stay connected to my heart as I converse with another–be they friend or acquaintance, or even a stranger. The more the words I express come from my heart–the more I attempt to make a heart connection with another–the more loving, kind, and gentle my words will be, and the more space they will offer the other person to share their experience with me.
Just as important are the words and phrases I say to myself about myself. It’s important to pay attention to the labels I attach to myself, keeping in mind the energy, thoughts, and feelings those labels bring to me. Anytime I am contemplating my thoughts and feelings, it’s equally important to do so free of self-criticism, shame, and judgment. My feelings and thoughts are just that–thoughts and feelings that are ever-changing and re-shaping. The more I can observe them without judgment, the more I allow myself space to grow and expand.
As Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” That includes ourselves!
And finally, one more quote…“Words in general and adjectives in particular have power. It is a power that comes in degrees or shadings. People and even societies can make value judgments on others just by the shadings of the words they use. Weird, strange, different and unique are really just different shadings of the same word but evoke completely different connotations when applied to individuals or groups of people.” Mr. Prophet, from the book “The Path.”
May we all be more cognizant of the degrees and shadings of our own words! Namaste!
