It’s been almost 20 days since I posted on my blog. I’ve been in a very deep, dark place over the past few weeks and just couldn’t find it in myself to write about what I was going through. At first I chastised myself for not being able to communicate and share what I’ve been going through. All those “shoulds” kept coming up. “You should be able to share.” “You should keep your blog active.” “You should let people in.” “You should, you should, you should.” Of course, that only led to deeper feelings of despair. Ultimately, I was able to let go of all those shoulds and find the gentleness and lovingkindness within myself to allow me to BE with this time of inner searching.

I was born under the astrological sign of Cancer–the crab. It is no accident that when I am going through deep (and sometimes painful) introspection, I am not able to be “out there.” Like a crab, I must dig deep and allow myself to be covered up and warmed by the sand around me. The warm sand acts as a place of safety and security as I excavate the deeper meanings of this dark place. The sand also serves as the ‘roughage’ to chafe and keep me awake–to help me become more aware.

That’s what these past weeks have felt like as I explored and excavated to gain clarity about the way in which I show up in the world. I’ve had a chance to look at myself personally and professionally and to understand more deeply why certain doors have been closing while, simultaneously, others have begun to appear, beckoning me to enter.

I am filled with gratitude and a sense of peacefulness today, knowing that I’m almost ready to completely emerge once again into the light. I am bringing with me new understandings about my role and divine purpose along with the core essence I can no longer deny–those intrinsic core values I was born with. Being a Cancer means that I am extremely sensitive and must process whatever I’m going through in silence, at least initially. Those who know me well know that once I begin to emerge from a crisis, I am the first to share all I’ve learned. However, while I’m in the midst of it, I must go it alone. I used to believe this was a character flaw, but I now understand that this is simply a piece of who I am and how I navigate my inner and outer worlds.

Going within and digging deep allows me to connect with my wisdom and intuition. However, I must always be aware of the flip side of this coin. It’s easy to hide my wisdom and insights and retreat into a hole of fear and self-doubt. This doesn’t serve me nor others. When I’m ready, it’s important for me to show my sensitivity to the world, bare my soul, and speak my truth.

Each day I am growing stronger. I am gaining clarity and understanding as I listen to and begin to express my truth with my unique voice. Today I see the brilliance of the sunlight again.

It’s time to emerge from my home in the sand and share once again.

The past two weeks have been somewhat painful. Contemplating where I am professionally and where I want to go left me in a place of non-movement. At first, I felt this wasn’t OK. Those old tapes reminded me that I should be busy, productive and creating results. Simultaneously, I felt I was being pulled down in quicksand–trying to move and believing I needed to–yet unable to do so. My writing came to a standstill, my other business endeavors haven’t been progressing at the rate I expected, and I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into the muck.

I’ve been reading Joan Anderson’s book, “The Second Journey: The Road Back to Yourself,” and found a section that speaks volumes to me. She says, “By now, I should know how easy it is to get stuck in the muck, especially when you are trying to follow a shortcut. Nothing worthwhile can be hurried–not the seasons, not birth or death, the coming of day, the moving into night; not a composition, a thought, a work of art, or the form of a story. Patience is what makes each experience meaningful. Finding the time to be patient is what makes a life well lived.”

I AM in the muck; however, instead of seeing it as an unfortunate circumstance, I can choose to see this as an opportunity to retrace my footsteps and allow myself to stay this course for as long as necessary, without trying to circumnavigate perceived obstacles or roadblocks, without looking for the easy way out. With patience, I will find the meaning of where I am right now and the instructions on where to go next.

I can also choose to see this “muck”–this “quicksand”–differently. As I talked with my friend Jan yesterday, who is also going through her own ebb tide experience–that in-between place when flow seems to be at a standstill, neither moving towards or away–I had a sudden realization that I am at a place much like the pearl in the oyster. When a foreign substance slips into the oyster shell, the shell responds by creating irritants to protect the oyster. Through the oyster’s protective process, that foreign substance eventually becomes an exquisite pearl.

The perceived irritants in my life–lack of movement, feeling that I am at a crossroads–are all rubbing against me, rocking and rolling me. I wish they weren’t a part of my life, yet those irritants are exactly what are needed to “produce” pearls. Nothing can be rushed in this process of becoming. In nature, it takes three to six years to form a perfect pearl. I don’t expect it will take me that long to gain clarity about my direction. However, I do need to be patient and allow the process to unfold naturally, without pushing or coercing.

Each time I try to force things, I end up back in the muck. There are no shortcuts through life. The more I realize that, the sooner I’ll discover my pearls–whether they be pearls of wisdom or actual outcomes and directions. I need to allow myself this ebb tide, this time of becoming. It can be a beautiful time!

Patience, please; a pearl is in process!

Tonight is the Academy Awards–the night when Hollywood acknowledges and appreciates the past year’s best-of-the-best in movie entertainment. Certain individuals, groups of collaborators, movies, music, and more will be honored with an Oscar tonight and proclaimed the winners.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if starting today, every one of us sees ourselves as winners also? Aren’t we all?

We show up everyday in our lives. We care for, provide for, and support our loved ones. We care for ourselves. We stand up for what we believe in. We speak our truths. We strive to live authentic, passionate and spirit-filled lives. We show lovingkindness towards others. We give of ourselves in a myriad of ways. We strive to be open-hearted in order to spread love. We seek connection to the Divine. We seek connection with our fellow human beings.

These are all honorable qualities. These are all meritorious gifts. And most of us demonstrate these attributes on a daily basis.

My wish for you tonight–if you choose to watch the glamour and glitter of Hollywood–is to please remember the STAR that you ARE. You shine your light every day on someone–probably many “someones.” So stand up and take a bow. Write a speech of gratitude for all that fills and inspires you to “suit up and show up” in your life each day. And grab your own Oscar–be it a flower, a glass of champagne, a cup of tea, a piece of cake, or a bowl of popcorn. Give yourself the gift of appreciation and acknowledgment for being all that you are each and every day of your life.

Thank you for being alive. Thank YOU! You are the winner. Take it in today and shine your light onto the world. We need YOU.

And the winner is . . . YOU!

“All things are connected like the blood which unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.” – Chief Seattle.

Today’s message in Joan Borysenko’s “Pocketful of Miracles” references Chief Seattle. She invites us to become aware of acting with lovingkindness to all. In doing so, it’s imperative that we foster greater awareness of the sacred web of life. She states, “In 1854, when Chief Seattle gave up his tribal lands in the Pacific Northwest, he made an impassioned plea for us to be good stewards of the land and to honor the sacredness of life.”

Over the new three days I will be posting a segment of the speech attributed to him. Here is Part I:

Attributed to Chief Seattle:

“How can you buy or sell the sky, the warmth of the land? The idea is strange to us.

“So, we will consider your offer to buy our land. But it will not be easy. For this land is sacred to us. This shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water but the blood of our ancestors. If we sell you the land, you must remember that it is sacred, and you must teach your children that it is sacred and that each ghostly reflection in the clear water of the lakes tells of events and memories in the life of my people. The water’s murmur is the voice of my father’s father.”

How might we behave if we truly saw the land on which we live as sacred?

This morning I was looking through a poetry book my girls and I used to read together, “Classic Poetry, an Illustrated Collection,” compiled by Michael Rosen.

I turned to Robert Frost’s poem, “The Road Not Taken” and found it a perfect thought for today.

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

In many ways, I too journey along the road less traveled, especially in the work I feel called to do through Bellisima Living. And as I continue along this path, I know I’ll never return to the place where choice began. Sometimes that knowledge and the experiences is exciting and exhilarating, sometimes frustrating and even lonely, sometimes uncertain, and yet, at other times, I know it is exactly where I am supposed to be. This road less traveled has the potential of continuing to make a difference for me and all whom I serve.

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Our lessons come from the journey, not the destination. How about you? Which road are you traveling through life? Have you reached a fork in the road? Which one will you choose and why? We are all given opportunities and choices? What are you doing with those endless possibilities?

Mozart’s Requiem is one of the most beautiful pieces of classical music ever written. Even though Mozart did not write this music entirely, it’s clear that he and those involved in the Requiem’s completion were divinely inspired.

Wanting to keep our teenage girls exposed to classical music–at least occasionally–we attended last night’s performance of the Requiem by the Colorado Symphony. When they were younger they loved classical music, and their favorite composers were Bach and Beethoven. We thought they’d remember the Requiem even though it’s been some years since they last heard it.

Well…one of our daughters said she didn’t remember it at all. The other said it was vaguely familiar. They “endured” the evening. After the performance, we all went out for dessert. Thankfully, they enjoyed going to the coffee shop late at night together.

As I reflect on last night, I’m reminded once again that my daughters are evolving and changing. No longer influenced primarily by us, their world is ever expanding (as well as their musical tastes). They’re no longer interested in attending symphonies regularly or spending their days hanging out with their parents. We are no longer the center of their world. I accept this as the way it’s supposed to be as my girls grow towards adulthood.

While standing in line for the bathroom last night (of course there was a line), a mother and her daughter of about six years old came out. The little girl was dressed in a very special dress with her hair beautifully braided. It reminded me of my daughters at that age. Someday that little girl will also be a teenager. More than likely she too will no longer be interested in attending concerts with her parents. But last night’s event will be forever with her. And at moments when she’s alone or away from home, she’ll remember that once upon a time she attended the symphony with her parents and felt like a princess.

The same holds true for my daughters. The memories we’ve made together will remain with them always. And we can still make a few more while they’re living at home. So, I’ll continue to arrange occasional events for all of us to do together–I’m not prepared to give up entirely nor am I ready to let them go completely. At least once a year they can attend a performance and be reminded of music they once played and enjoyed. Occasionally, we can go out together for a day and enjoy a family outing.

At those other times when they are with friends or listening to their own music, I can visualize the little girls who once loved dressing up and going out for a special evening with mom and dad and enjoyed a picnic together at a favorite spot in nature, knowing that no matter how old they get, those memories will be with them always.

As our government faces a decision in the next day or so regarding the introduction of GE alfalfa crops by spring, I continue to look at how our family can be more conscious about the food we consume and the products we use.

In our household, food encompasses the largest expenditure after our home mortgage. Most everything we eat is organic, and we try to buy local whenever possible. Combined with our food costs are most of our household and personal care products. To save money and know exactly what we’re cleaning with, most of my household cleaning supplies are homemade (with the exception of dishwashing liquid, dishwasher and laundry detergents). We scent our home with incense or soy-based and beeswax candles scented exclusively with essential oils. I am also very careful about which personal care products we buy. Of course, with two teenage daughters, I do have to choose my battles carefully, so a few chemical-containing products do make their way into the girls’ bathroom.

We do frequent restaurants about once a week–which I include in our food costs. The restaurants we go to are not organic. Most of our non-organic food comes from these trips out for a meal.

Since we’re not purists and to better understand what the majority of consumers buy, last year, I started watching movies and reading books to become better informed about our U.S. food industry. Some of what I watched was shocking and sickening; some was maddening and frightening. And some of the information was confirmation of what I either knew or suspected. After watching movies like the ones listed below, it’s hard to look at food and our food supply without questioning and being concerned–deeply concerned–about what is happening and wondering what’s in store for the future.

Here are the movies that hit me the hardest:

King Corn
The Botany of Desire
Food, Inc.
The Future of Food

Additionally, I’ve read or reread books by Michael Pollan, Barbara Kingsolver and Rachel Carson. Although Rachel Carson’s books are not primarily about food, they still point to the issues of toxins in our environment and how we have been manipulating growth in so many different areas.

The books I read include:

Food Rules by Michael Pollan
The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan
In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver
Silent Spring by Rachel Carson

One book that I haven’t yet read (and plan to read soon) is:
Harvest for Hope: A Guide for Mindful Eating by Jane Goodall

I guess where all this leaves me is realizing that it’s impossible for our family to be 100% organic. It’s also nearly impossible to avoid genetically modified ingredients completely. But I will make every effort to keep the non-organic foods to a minimum. And, equally important–maybe even more important–I will focus on eliminating items, such as the high-protein bars that some of my family really like, which probably contain genetically engineered ingredients. I believe that no store, including Whole Foods, is keeping GE foods off their shelves. So as a conscious consumer, I just need to be more diligent about keeping products with GE ingredients out of our house.

I really hope that the government does the right thing this week by not allowing GE alfalfa to be planted this spring. If the GE alfalfa is allowed, it’s going to get increasingly more difficult to keep GE crops of all kinds from becoming the precedent.

What are your thoughts?

A couple of weeks ago, as I was cleaning out old calendars and getting ready to create my calendar for 2011, I came across this beautiful meditation. I apparently carried this in my calendar some years ago, maybe even before my girls were born. I completely forgot about it. For many reasons–both known and unknown–I found this piece of paper at this particular moment in time. The meditation was intended to serve as a closing meditation, after working through the release of a physical condition and the thought patterns that may have created the condition.

As I read it this morning, I had a sense that I need to share it. I don’t know were it came from–it’s a photocopied page that was shrunk to carry in my day planner. It is back in my life, and I am thankful that it is–it seems to have reappeared at just the right moment.

I love its many messages. What stood out for me today is the presence of infinite love, the many expressions of self-love, and the Universal abundance and connection that is ever-present.

If you find that it also resonates with you, please enjoy it for however long and whenever you need it. Namaste.

“DEEP AT THE CENTER OF MY BEING, there is an infinite well of love. I now allow this love to flow to the surface. It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied. The more love I use and give, the more I have to give, the supply is endless. The use of love makes ME FEEL GOOD–it is an expression of my inner joy. I love myself; therefore, I take loving care of my body. I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages, I lovingly groom it and dress it, and my body lovingly responds to me with vibrant health and energy. I love myself; therefore, I provide for myself a comfortable home, one that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in. I fill the rooms with the vibration of love so that all who enter, myself included, will feel this love and be nourished by it.

I love myself; therefore, I work at a job that I truly enjoy doing, one that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with and for people that I love and that love me, and earning a good income. I love myself; therefore, I behave and think in a loving way to all people, for I know that that which I give out returns to me multiplied. I only attract loving people in my world, for they are a mirror of what I am. I love myself; therefore, I forgive and totally release the past and all past experiences and I am free. I love myself; therefore, I live totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure, for I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more. And, so it is.”

Today’s the day! It’s 10-10-10!

Before deciding what you might do today, here’s one other environmental issue to consider: the water crisis.

Oh, wonderful water! That glorious element that nourishes us–that all life comes from and is sustained by! That which many of us enjoy in so many different ways: from bathing in it, to drinking it, to cooking with it, to cleaning with it, and for pure entertainment (think of the many pools and hot tubs that exist).

What if water became a scarcity in your life? What would you do? Experts believe that future wars will not be fought over oil, but will be waged over water. Does it really have to get to that point? I hope not. So, what can we do?

To begin, it’s important to acknowledge that there is a water crisis. THERE IS. Next, we can take a look at how this crisis is playing out. Water.org states, “Today’s water crisis is not an issue of scarcity, but of access. More people in the world own cell phones than have access to a toilet. And as cities and slums grow at increasing rates, the situation worsens. Every day, lack of access to clean water and sanitation kills thousands, leaving others with reduced quality of life.”

Here are some of the many facts reported on the Water.org website:
*884 million people lack access to safe water supplies; approximately one in eight people.
*A bathtub holds 151L of water. Someone living in a slum may only get 30L of water for all their daily needs.
*An American taking a five-minute shower uses more water than a typical person in a developing country slum uses in a whole day.
*The water and sanitation crisis claims more lives through disease than any war claims through guns.
*3.575 million people die each year from water-related disease.
*Every 20 seconds, a child dies from a water-related disease.
*Lack of sanitation is the world’s biggest cause of infection.
*At any given time, half of the world’s hospital beds are occupied by patients suffering from diseases associated with lack of access to safe drinking water, inadequate sanitation and poor hygiene.
*2.5 billion people lack access to improved sanitation, including 1.2 billion people who have no facilities at all.
*In just one day, more than 200 million hours of women’s time is consumed for the most basic of human needs — collecting water for domestic use. This lost productivity is greater than the combined number of hours worked in a week by employees at WalMart, United Parcel Service, McDonald’s, IBM, Target, and Kroger, according to Gary White, co-founder of Water.org.
*Almost two in every three people who need safe drinking water survive on less than $2 a day and one in three on less than $1 a day.
*More than 80% of sewage in developing countries is discharged untreated, polluting rivers, lakes and coastal areas.”

Water.org’s vision: “We envision the day when everyone in the world can take a safe drink of water. It is easy to take for granted ready access to a safe supply of drinking water. Yet nearly one billion people lack this most basic commodity. Creating accessible, safe water supplies in developing countries liberates people to live healthier, fuller, more productive lives.”

Water.org is “challenging the traditional approach to assisting people in developing countries. Our goals are to draw attention to the world’s number one health problem, unsafe and inadequate water supplies, and to raise funds to help fight this immense problem – one community at a time.” Their mission is to inspire people to act as donors, staff and volunteers to find innovative solutions, and the people in need of safe water working on their own solutions.

Today on 10-10-10, what might you do? Here is one suggestion: Water.org has teamed up with One Day On Earth and put out a call to action:

“CALL TO ACTION: Share video of your water
Without water, life would not exist. It is a prerequisite for all human and economic development. This 10.10.10 we invite you to share with the world how you access life’s most precious commodity. Whether tap, well, river, or otherwise, capture your water source on video and add it to the world document. Together, our efforts will remind the world not to take water access for granted and will bring new attention to water access inadequacies that need to be improved. Footage that you create will potentially be used in a feature film, as well as a short film created specifically for Water.org, and will live in perpetuity in One Day on Earth’s global archive.”

So, whatever you choose to do today, be mindful of the contrast that exists in our world–the abundance and the scarcity–as well as the many environmental and social issues of the times in which we live. What might you do today to be an agent of change? Will you join a Work Party Group today (go to 350.org) for more info; will you film an aspect of your life or what is going on around you (One Day On Earth); will you get involved in our first-ever Non-GMO Day; or will you do something completely different?

No matter what you decide, know that people all over our planet are today getting involved. How might you?

Since June, food has been in the forefront of my thoughts. First, there was the trip to Italy in the second half of June where my mom, my sister and I savored the wonderful delights of Northern Italian cuisine–my clothes still don’t quite fit as they should… Many of the foods, and the ways in which they were prepared, reminded us of long-ago traditional family dinners.

Then, there was the wonderful birthday cake I created for my twin daughters’ birthday in early July. Taking both girls’ ideas and talking about how to combine their individual wishes, we created a three-layer cheesecake for their birthday. Our collaboration became a layer of flourless chocolate cake, followed by a layer of plain cheesecake, and finished with a creamy, gooey, peanut butter topping. It was a hit, even though we acknowledged that we’ll need to make some adjustments for size the next time we make it. A significant memory of their 15th birthday was created that day.

This past week, my mind has been on identifying calcium-rich foods and recipes for my mom–foods to increase the chances that her bone fractures heal.

Two weeks ago, however, my focus was on the food I would serve my adult daughter and her family during their eight-day stay with us. In addition to considerations for what my grandchildren’s preferences were, I had to calculate the preparation of food for twice as many people! What I hadn’t considered–and what unfolded during the course of the week–was my realization that food can be the loving glue securing or repairing personal relationships.

My daughter left home to live with her father and his family when she was 14 years old, feeling the need to break away from what she considered to be my maternal hold on her. That was 21 years ago. Throughout the subsequent years, our relationship has been challenged by both physical and emotional distance. During her visit–the longest amount of time we’ve spent together in ten years–my daughter and I reconnected in ways I never dreamed possible.

Much of our reconnecting was through the food I prepared and served. For instance, knowing that Amanda always loved our family’s spaghetti sauce, and that every member of my family has always loved walking into a house and being greeted by that familiar smell, I began preparing it the morning of their anticipated arrival. As predicted, she entered our house–a home in a state she’d never before visited–and immediately welled up with tears, mostly because we were seeing each other for the first time in almost four years. Additionally, though, she was transported back to the days when she’d enter our home and smell that I was in the midst of preparing that same sauce. Our first night together, here in Colorado, gave her the opportunity to re-experience one of her childhood delights and share one of our traditional family meals with her husband and children.

As the week progressed, I prepared surprises such as the homemade waffles eaten in our home since the days when my grandmother would visit my childhood home and make them for me and my sister. It was our ritual: Nonna would come for a week’s stay and make waffles for my sister and me in the morning. We all knew those waffles were a required ingredient for her visit. Nonna taught me and my sister how to eat them as little finger sandwiches, with only melted butter in between the two layers. When we had our second helping (there was always a second helping), we would all add strawberry jam to the layers–Nonna’s favorite jam.

On “waffle morning,” during Amanda’s stay, she readied to eat her waffles, showing her children and husband how she’d eaten them as a child. I realized I had passed on my grandmother’s tradition–there she was eating her buttered finger sandwich waffles!

One morning as we prepared a different breakfast together, she and I reminisced about other foods and meals she remembered. As I listened, I realized that no matter how far apart we had been, the foods I’d prepared had stayed with her, along with the nurturing love I’d folded in. As her husband said, each meal was especially wonderful because it was made with love.

When I think back on our life together, I usually remember the most challenging and difficult moments first. One of the many gifts I received during Amanda’s visit was the realization that she and I share a history filled with much love and caring. She showed me that what she carries in her heart are the many experiences of that deep, binding love. Our hearts have been and forever will be connected to each other–glued together by the foods passed down through past generations and cemented together by a lifetime of memories and experiences.

Before the week was over I discovered another gift through creating a few new dishes together. I saw how the new creations reflected the changes that have come about for each of us during our years away from each other. I am grateful that as we move forward, we have no need to cling desperately to the past. Instead, we can continue to grow and evolve, adding new traditions and memories to our family’s rich history. All glued together by the love that continues to grow and evolve as well.